By Katrina Bos, Collective Evolution
People are falling in love all around me.
Yesterday, I met a new friend who said that she had fallen in love. Two days before that, a good friend came for lunch and said the same thing. “You wouldn’t believe it. She lived right down the street from me.”
A week before that, another friend fell in love with a man she met on Tinder. Today, I found out that another friend is dating a man who she finds incredible and she did not expect it!
But what’s really amazing about these stories? THEY WOULD NEVER HAVE RECOGNIZED THIS PERSON.
In every story, their new love doesn’t fit what they thought they were looking for. For some, the person wasn’t physically, or intellectually what they thought they were attracted to. For others, they lived too far away, had animals, children, the “wrong” job, or just a totally different outlook on life.
It’s the bodybuilder falling for a super curvy woman, the dark, goth friend falling for a wedding planner, or the vegetarian who can’t get enough of a hunter.
Every day, I hear:
- “I don’t get it. He/she is nothing like I thought I was looking for.”
- “You probably won’t understand it when you meet them… but I’m head over heels for them.”
- “There is such a crazy connection between us.”
- “They kiss me and I totally melt.”
- “They could have walked right by me on the street and I wouldn’t have given them a second glance.”
- “They are nothing like I was looking for. Yet, they are perfect for me!”
- “And the lovemaking… We make love for hours… Effortlessly… OMG!!”
What’s going on? Why are we falling in love with people whom we couldn’t have imagined before?
It’s a great question. As a tantra teacher listening to students and participants in my workshops, I have some ideas.
1) We are now looking for True Connection
Historically, we were looking for someone to marry, have children with and to fulfill a certain societal status. It’s like a picture was placed in our minds of what we are looking for. That picture could include a white picket fence, perfect family portraits, and Sunday dinners or it might be finding your ultimate rebellious partner with tattoos, a motorbike and concerts every weekend.
Regardless, we had a picture of what this canned life was going to look like. But of course, the picture in our mind didn’t include the feelings between you and your partner. Sure, we assumed that we would be happy and fulfilled. But what about the actual connection between you? This wasn’t necessarily part of the picture.
But today, it’s the passionate connection we seek. We want to feel alive when we are with this person. We want to want to be able to love them completely and we want to feel that love for us as well.
The old days of “looking good for the neighbours and family” (or looking “bad”) are gone. We care more about what is going on behind closed doors, than what it looks like from the outside.
2) The brainwashing about what is “attractive” is losing its power over us
We are becoming aware that we have been fed ideas about what is good-looking and that this is getting in the way of finding true love.
I used to be a belly-dancer. Historically, belly dancers were voluptuous women of at least middle age. Their bodies carried the stories of their lives and these stories were shared in the form of sensual dance. But over time, belly dance has become more mainstream. The dancers began having a Hollywood-like look to them – all thin, young with long dark hair. Soon, the middle-aged women with full bodies didn’t look attractive any longer. The audience’s eyes had changed (not everyone.. but enough).
Our eyes have been changed too. We watch movies where the leading men look like Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington and the women look like Angelina Jolie or Scarlett Johansson. The men are tall and muscular and the women are pencil thin with firm breasts. And everyone looks approximately 25 years old.
Then magazines and advertisers continue this conditioning in order to sell us gym memberships, face creams, protein drinks, and plastic surgery. Our brains have been gradually brainwashed so that we believe exactly what “they” want us to believe is beautiful.
And so, when it comes to finding love, this basically leaves the vast majority of the population out in the cold because we simply don’t look like these images.
But as more and more people strive to look like these photoshopped images, being falsely beautiful, fit or youthful starts to lose its appeal. You don’t have to go on too many dates from online apps with “beautiful, fit” people to find out that what they look like has absolutely nothing to do with connection, depth of the person, or what kind of lover they are.
In fact, many of the greatest tantric lovers I’ve known did not fit our stereotyped image. They would have been considered too fat, too thin, small penis, quirky, too short, too old, etc. Yet they had such an amazing focus on the connection, they were naturally tantric, and all the magic that we seek in lovemaking was effortlessly there.
3) We are truly awakening
The world has changed. Maybe it was the 2013 shift from the Age of Pisces to the Age of Aquarius. Maybe it’s just that we are evolving. But we can see more in each other than we could a decade ago.
We are more intuitive. We read people faster. We can feel their kindness or their indifference. We can feel their ability to connect or how shut down they are. We can feel their joy or their sadness almost immediately.
We aren’t as attached to being attached. We are more content to be alone – so we are more discerning in whom we choose to connect with. We are in full choice all of the time. We are seeking someone who truly adds to our lives, not just someone to fill in a strange picture in our minds.
We naturally see more than just someone’s physical appearance. Other aspects are shining through brighter than their physicality. They could be tall, short, fat, fit, old, young, disabled, or whatever, yet we see their spirit. We see their happiness. We see their soul. They may even shape-shift before our eyes – shifting from what society sees to the titan that appears to us in intimacy.
So what does this mean going forward?
“If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies, how different our ideals of beauty would be.”
If you are seeking love and true connection, here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Do you have an idea in your head that is blinding you to who is right in front of you?
- Who put the ideas in your head of what your love must look, sound, or act like?
- Is there a need for a partner to look, act or sound a certain way for your self-worth? Is pride holding you back?
- Are you open to exploring relationships with people who don’t fit the image that you are holding in your mind?
- Who is right in front of you but you can’t see them?
The times are changing. We are evolving. We want more than what a relationship that looks good on the surface can bring us. We are seeking a deeper experience. We want to go to the next level.
So, if you are seeking love, have hope. None of these friends of mine had any idea that this was going to happen. Many were well on their way of giving up hope that there was anyone out there for them.
When suddenly “he/she” appeared.
And they appeared in the most unlikely places.